Cold In the Buggy
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.
The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replies, "Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up".
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold" The girl replies, "Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up".
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said,
"My nose is cold".
The girl replied "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter,
he say's, "My penis is frozen solid".
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Concerned the mother says, "Why yes..... why do you ask?" The daughter replies,
" They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!! "
Monday, February 2, 2009
Women & Boys
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he finds out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies,
he decide's he needs a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he finds out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies,
he decide's he needs a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Blonde's Work Ethics
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work,but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work,but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
Corporate Shake-up
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO told him, "Wait right here."
He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, " The Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO told him, "Wait right here."
He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, " The Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Blonde Ice Fishing
A lovely blonde decides to go ice fishing. She takes a comfortable chair, her extra large latte and all the equipment she needs out on the ice.
As she starts chopping a hole in the ice, she hears a loud voice from above say,
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde picks up her chair, her latte, and all the ice fishing equipment and moves a little way down the ice. Again, as she begins chopping a hole in the ice, she hears a loud, angry voice voice from above say,
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Perturbed, the blonde picks up her chair,her latte and all her equipment and goes way down to the far end of the ice. As soon as she starts chopping a hole in the ice, the loud voice from above again entones
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Looking up, the blonde asks, "Is that you, God?"
The answer came, "No, this is the manager of Ice Rink
A lovely blonde decides to go ice fishing. She takes a comfortable chair, her extra large latte and all the equipment she needs out on the ice.
As she starts chopping a hole in the ice, she hears a loud voice from above say,
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde picks up her chair, her latte, and all the ice fishing equipment and moves a little way down the ice. Again, as she begins chopping a hole in the ice, she hears a loud, angry voice voice from above say,
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Perturbed, the blonde picks up her chair,her latte and all her equipment and goes way down to the far end of the ice. As soon as she starts chopping a hole in the ice, the loud voice from above again entones
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Looking up, the blonde asks, "Is that you, God?"
The answer came, "No, this is the manager of Ice Rink
Happy Birthday
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much f or the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.They search the shed where the firewood is kept.Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much f or the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.They search the shed where the firewood is kept.Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
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