Trophy Hunt

One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream. In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I'd be able to jump up, catch it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Alongside the stream, a bear was standing. The bear looked at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, that salmon would jump up to catch it, and I could jump out, snag that salmon, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Across the stream, up a steep slope, a hunter was hidden in the brush. The hunter looked at the fly, and thought to himself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, that salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, and I could jump up, shoot the bear, and I'd have myself a new trophy."

Hidden in the grass behind the hunter was a mouse. The mouse looked at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, the salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch thesalmon, the hunter would jump up to shoot the bear, the sandwich in thehunter's pocket would fall out, and I'd have myself something to eat."

A bit higher up the slope, on a jutting rock, sat a pussy cat. The pussy cat looked down at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop downabout a half an inch, the salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear wouldjump up to catch the salmon, the hunter would jump up to shoot the bear, the sandwich in the hunter's pocket would fall out, the mouse would hop over toget the sandwich, I could leap down on it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

At that moment, the fly dropped down about a half an inch. The salmon leapt up and caught the fly, the bear leapt out and snagged the salmon, the hunter jumped up and shot the bear, the mouse hopped out and started to eat the hunter's sandwich, and the pussy cat leapt down to catch the mouse..but it missed. It rolled down the slope, and fell into the stream.

Moral of the Story: A lot of things have to happen for a pussy to get wet.

Old But Not Senile

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral of the Story... Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

A Quicky in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude
man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing
each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being
so patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go
running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle
and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two
return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the
pigeon down and you poop on its head.'

Cats Meow

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, so he went to the bar down town on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks he doesn't notice a train as it is coming his way. The cat starts to cross the track and the train is right on him. Just as he crosses, the train goes on by, but the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the his tail, the cat turns it's head to see were his tail is and the train cutshis head clean off.

Moral of the Story: DON'T LOSS YOUR HEAD OVER A LITTLE PIECE OF TAIL!

Cats Meow

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, so he went to the bar down town on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks he doesn't notice a train as it is coming his way. The cat starts to cross the track and the train is right on him. Just as he crosses, the train goes on by, but the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the his tail, the cat turns it's head to see were his tail is and the train cutshis head clean off.

Moral of the Story: DON'T LOSS YOUR HEAD OVER A LITTLE PIECE OF TAIL!

Turkey Talk

A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashedinto the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Blonde One Liners

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde
A: Space. The final frontier.

Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they've no idea of the route.

Q: How do you measure their intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager.

Q: Why do blondes love lightning?
A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo.