Gone Fishing

One afternoon grandad decides to go fishing an brings his grandson along. After
twenty minutes of fishing grampa opens a flask of whiskey. The boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have some ?"
Can your dick touch your ass ?
'No'
Then sit down and watch your line .
After a drink of whisky grandad lights up a Camel.
"Grampa can I have one"
Can your dick touch your ass ?, Grampa asked .
'No'
Then set down and behave.
Feeling bad the boy sits down and starts to eat some chocolate cookies he brought along. Grampa ask's , "Can I have a chocolate cookie"?
Can your dick touch your ass ?
"Yes"
Then go fuck yourself cause grandma made these for me...

Thanksgiving

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you, your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough !"
"Pop, what are you talking about ?" The son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "Where sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck their getting aa divorce, "she shouts, "I'll take care of this. "She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are not getting a divorce. Don't
do a single thing till I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Untill then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HERE ME?" AND HANGS UP.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, he says,
"I got the kids to come for Thankgiving, AND I got them to pay their own way!"

Johnny's at it again....

Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds,
Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am,
but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says:
"Thank you for the picture.
Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short.

Love, Grandma"

1..Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
2..Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
3..Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
4..Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
5..Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
6..Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
7..If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
8..Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
9..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
10..Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
11..Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
12..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
13..How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
14..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
15..In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
16..How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
17..The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?
' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station
where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo
of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you
doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
* * * * * * * * * * *
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Man: How old is your Father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He only became a Father the day I was born.


An Absent-minded man went to see a Psychiatrist.
"My trouble is, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
"How long has this been going on?"
"How long has what been going on?"


Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes, Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy; No, Mine is an undying love.



Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes or No.

Ear Infection

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter..

Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!