Economy Blonde:

A plane is on it's way to Toronto. When a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down..
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blond that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to toronto and I'm staying right here". The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in Economy,and won't move back to her seat in Economy.
The co-pilot goes back to see the blonde and explains that because she hadpaid for Economy Class that she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to toronto and I'm staying right here".
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waitingwhen we land and have the blond arrested.
The pilot says , "You say she is blonde ?" Allow me to try and talk to her, Iam sure to be able to handle this, I'm married and I speak blonde
The pilot goes back and whispers in her ear, "Oh, I'm sorry", and the blonde quickly moves her back to her seat in Economy Class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot," what it was hehad said to the blonde?"..
"I told her First Class was'nt going to Toronto"...

Nursing Home :

A fine Greek family was considering putting their Pappous in a nursing home. All the Greek facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit the old gentleman.
"How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful." says Pappous.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since being Greek you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, No. Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Pappous says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'."
"There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'."
"There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'."
"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Greek."

Your an extreme Redneck when...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Wooden Leg:

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina , from Texas .The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas cost $2,000.00 a year!!
When they arrived in North Carolina , they went to an insurance Agency to see how much it would cost to insure the leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in North Carolinato insure it, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Texas !!!!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00. You just have toknow how to describe it!

Uncle Paul

Hi honey, This is Daddy, Is Mom near the phone?
No, Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.

After a brief pause, Daddy says, but honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mom, Right now.

Brief Pause.

Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Go knock on the bedroom door and shout to MommyThat Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.

Okay, Daddy, Just a minute. A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone. I did it, Daddy.

And what happened, honey?'
Well, Mom got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ranaround screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!

Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?
He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you taken out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, Swimming pool?

Is this 486-5731?

No, I think you have the wrong number........

Your Hired

As the young man was filling his job application for a local manufacturer of jet engines. He got stuck with a question on the application.

Q. Are you a leader? Yes/No

After thinking about it for a moment, he marks it NO. He assumed they already had leaders and needed some type of work.

Several days latter, he gets a letter congradulating him for being hired. Within the letter the manager stated.

We have hired 21applicants this month. 20 of them said theywere leaders. We have decided to hire you because, with so many leaders it would be good to have someone follow.

Office Girl

Two guys talking about the new girl in the office..

Mike says to Dave: I dated her in college and we
had great sex in the back seat of my car.
She was better than my wife.

Dave to Mike: I dated her also and we had great sex
as well. But must say, your wife always came back
for seconds and thirds.

Blonde and Dummy

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar.
He goes thru his usual run of stupid blonde jokesnwhen a big blonde
women in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes,ass hole.
What makes you think you can sterotype women that way? What does a person's
physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you
who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community,
and reaching my full potencial as a person...'because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but also women in general,
all in the name of humor'. When the blond pipes up..
The Flustered ventriloquist begins to apologize,.. 'You stay out of this mister
I'm talking to the midget on your knee'...

Aged Blonde

A blonde comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says:
"Mummy today at school we learned how to count. Well' the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good, isn't it?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde?"
"Yes darling, it's because your blonde."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says:
"Mummy, today at school we learned the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z !
Thats good is'nt it?"
"Yes darling very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde. Mummy?"
"Yes darling it's because your blonde."

Next day' she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went
swimming and well' all the girls have no breast, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive hooters at her mum.
"Is that because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

Her mother replies " No darling, it's because you're 25.

Poor Memory

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into
the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was
really great". I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


Memory Lapse

Sometimes memory lapses are a good thing .
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices
that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just
raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be
waving to him, and although familiar he can't place
where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry,
do you know me?"

She replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has
been unfaithful. "Holy shit," he says, "are you that stripper
from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table
in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped
me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher.

Welfare Client

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight
up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing
is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy
old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply
all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll be expected to escort her on
her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well,
you started it."

Miracle Grow

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to
his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in
'Slim Fast.' Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn't
let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out
of his drawer. 'What the hell is this?' he said to himself as a
little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put
talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow.'

Seniors Bus Tour

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

New Guy at the Post Office

A guy went two the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?
He replied, 'yes - caffeine'.
Have you ever been in the military service?
'Yes,' he replied.' I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points
toward employment.
Then he asked, are you disabled in any way?'
The guy said, 'Yes.... a roadside bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.
' The interviewer said O.K. - You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan
on starting @ 10:00 A.M. every day. The guy puzzled asks, 'if the work hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me here at 10?
'This is a government job,' the interviewer said. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that!'

Back UP

From a county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story . Recently a police patrol car parked outside a bar in Amity , Maine .
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked fine, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly; pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck.
'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

Trophy Hunt

One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream. In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I'd be able to jump up, catch it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Alongside the stream, a bear was standing. The bear looked at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, that salmon would jump up to catch it, and I could jump out, snag that salmon, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Across the stream, up a steep slope, a hunter was hidden in the brush. The hunter looked at the fly, and thought to himself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, that salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, and I could jump up, shoot the bear, and I'd have myself a new trophy."

Hidden in the grass behind the hunter was a mouse. The mouse looked at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, the salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch thesalmon, the hunter would jump up to shoot the bear, the sandwich in thehunter's pocket would fall out, and I'd have myself something to eat."

A bit higher up the slope, on a jutting rock, sat a pussy cat. The pussy cat looked down at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop downabout a half an inch, the salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear wouldjump up to catch the salmon, the hunter would jump up to shoot the bear, the sandwich in the hunter's pocket would fall out, the mouse would hop over toget the sandwich, I could leap down on it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

At that moment, the fly dropped down about a half an inch. The salmon leapt up and caught the fly, the bear leapt out and snagged the salmon, the hunter jumped up and shot the bear, the mouse hopped out and started to eat the hunter's sandwich, and the pussy cat leapt down to catch the mouse..but it missed. It rolled down the slope, and fell into the stream.

Moral of the Story: A lot of things have to happen for a pussy to get wet.

Old But Not Senile

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral of the Story... Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

A Quicky in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude
man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing
each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being
so patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go
running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle
and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two
return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the
pigeon down and you poop on its head.'

Cats Meow

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, so he went to the bar down town on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks he doesn't notice a train as it is coming his way. The cat starts to cross the track and the train is right on him. Just as he crosses, the train goes on by, but the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the his tail, the cat turns it's head to see were his tail is and the train cutshis head clean off.

Moral of the Story: DON'T LOSS YOUR HEAD OVER A LITTLE PIECE OF TAIL!

Cats Meow

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, so he went to the bar down town on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks he doesn't notice a train as it is coming his way. The cat starts to cross the track and the train is right on him. Just as he crosses, the train goes on by, but the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the his tail, the cat turns it's head to see were his tail is and the train cutshis head clean off.

Moral of the Story: DON'T LOSS YOUR HEAD OVER A LITTLE PIECE OF TAIL!

Turkey Talk

A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashedinto the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Blonde One Liners

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde
A: Space. The final frontier.

Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they've no idea of the route.

Q: How do you measure their intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager.

Q: Why do blondes love lightning?
A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions
of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past
three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful
and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems
we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole the tent.'

Witches,Ghouls, Vampiers and Monsters

Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?
A. Ghoul-aid!!!

Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?
A. Wrap!!!!!

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q. What's a monster's favorite bean?
A. Human bean.

Q. Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A. A sand-witch.

Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A. You suck.

Q. What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A.Ghoul

Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A. For the Boos.

Q. Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
A. He was all bite and no bark.

Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A. He didn't have a haunting license.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A. He had no body to dance with.

Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A. At the casketeria.

Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?
A. Over the ghoul line.

Q. Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.
A. Because of the coffin.

Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A. Because he is always a goblin.

Q. What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?
A. Whipped scream.

Q. What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day?
A. Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

Q. What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets?
A. Dead ends

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday?
A. Fangsgiving

Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
A. Mas-scare-a.

Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A. To go to the body shop.

Q. What happens when two vampires meet?
A. It was love at first bite!

Q. Who was the most famous ghost detective?
A. Sherlock Moans.

Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married?
A. Newlywebbed

Q. What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop?
A. Scream or sugar!

Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A. The Vampire State Building.

Q. Where do most werewolves live?
A. In howllywood, California

Q. Where do most goblins live?
A. in North and South Scarolina.

Q. Where does a ghost refuel his porche?
A. At a ghastly station.

Q. Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?
A. to see the boogy man.

Q. What do witches use in their hair?
A. scare-spray

Q. What do you call a little monsters parents
A. mummy and deady

Q. What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A. sour-puss

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet?
A. blood-thirsty hacker baby

Q. What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with a skwaush?
A. a squashed pumpkin pie.

Q. Why do ghosts shiver and moan?
A. It's drafty under that sheet.

Q. What instrument do skeleton play?
A: Trom-BONE.

Q. What do ghosts eat for breakfast?
A. Boo-Berries.

Q: Why did't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had no guts.

Q. Why do vampires scare people?
A. They are bored to death!

Q. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
A. Every night he turns into a bat.

Q. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A. It's a pain in the neck.

Q. What songs does Dracula hate?
A. "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on my Shoulders.

Q. What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done?
A. Ok, that's a wrap.

Q. How does a girl vampire flirt?
A. She bats her eyes.

Q. What is a vampires least favorite food?
A.Steak

Q. What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A. A grave problem.

Q. Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
A. He has a bat temper.

Q. Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A. He had a fang-ache.

Q. Why are vampires like false teeth?
A. They all come out at night.

Q. Who does Dracula get letters from?
A. His fang club.

Q. What kind of key does a skeleton use?
A. A skeleton key.

Q. What kind of gum do ghosts chew?
A. Boo Boo Gum.

Q. Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A. To stop his coffin.

Q. Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes?
A. Sandals don't look good with his tuxedo.

Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
A. Give him screws.

Q. What can't you give the headless horseman?
A. A headache.

Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A. He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q. What is a ghosts favorite sale?
A. A white sale.

Q. What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A. A boo-tie.

Q. What's a ghosts favorite desert?
A. Boo-berry pie.

Q. What type of dog does every vampire have?
A. Bloodhound!

Q. What's a monsters favorite desert?
A. I-Scream!!

Q. When does a ghost have breakfast?
A. In the moaning.

Q. What do ghosts drink at breakfast?
A. Coffee with scream and sugar.

Q. Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A. Mali-boo.

Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q. Where did the ghost get it's hair done?
A: At the boo-ty shop.

Q. What do they teach in witching school?
A. Spelling.

Q. Why does a witch ride a broom?
A. Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

Q. What do you call a witch's garage?
A. A broom closet.

Q. What do you call two witches living together?
A. Broommates.

Q. Why don't mummies take vacations?
A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Q. What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
A. Spelling

Q. Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street?
A. He was dying to get to the other side!!

Q. Where do ghosts go out?
A. Where they can get sheet-faced.

Q. What did the mother ghost say to her kids in the car?
A. Fasten your sheet belts.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie?
A. He didn't have the guts.

Q. What did the corpse' mom do when her son was bad?
A. Ground him

Q. Why was the mummy so tense?
A. Because he was all wound up.

Q. Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A. Because he had bat breath.

Q. Why don't ghost have bands?
A. They get booooooooooed.

Q. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes?
A. A cereal killer.

Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
A. The whatwolves, the whowolves and the when wolves.

Q. What did the bird say on Halloween?
A. Trick or tweet!

Q. Why do skeletons drink milk?
A. To help their bones!

Q. What's a Vampire's least favourate song?
A. Another one bites the dust!

Q. What is a Skeleton's favorite song.
A. Bad to the Bone

Q. Whats a ghost's favorate type of car?
A. A boo-ick

Q. Where do ghost go for fun?
A. To the boo-vies

Q. What's a skeletons favorite part of the house?
A. the living room

Q. What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Haloween?
A. Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.

Q. What do u get when theres a witch in the desert?
A. You get a sandwich.

Q. Why can't a Skeleton Lift Weights?
A. He's all bone & no muscle.

Q. What is a vamire's favorite fruit?
A: A necktarine

Q. What do the skeletons say be for eating?
A. Bone appetite

Q. What do gosts call there girl friends?
A. There goul friends.

Q. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A. So long sucker!

Q. What did the goblin say to the witch?
A. I don't know you tell me!

Q. Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party?
A. Becuse he had no body to go with.

Q. What is a ghost's favorite band?
A. The Boos Brothers

Q. What did Dracula have for dessert?
A. Whine & Ice scream

Q. What is Dracula's favorite restaraunt?
A. Murder King

Q. What is a Ghost's favorite food?
A. HamBoogers

Q. What is in a ghost's nose?
A. Boogers

Q. What was the mummies' vacation like?
A. Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.

Q: What did tha boy ghost say to the girl ghost?
A: You are the most booooooooo-tiful thing I have ever seen!

Q. Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it?
A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A. A pumpkin patch!!!

Q. Where do vampires keep their money?
A: The blood bank!!!

Q. Who are some of the were-wolves cousins?
A. The what-wolves and when-wolves.

Q. What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes?
A. (They bite!)

Cold In the Buggy

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.
The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replies, "Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up".
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold" The girl replies, "Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up".
He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said,
"My nose is cold".
The girl replied "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter,
he say's, "My penis is frozen solid".

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Concerned the mother says, "Why yes..... why do you ask?" The daughter replies,
" They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!! "

Women & Boys

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he finds out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies,
he decide's he needs a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Blonde's Work Ethics

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work,but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

Corporate Shake-up

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO told him, "Wait right here."

He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, " The Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Blonde Ice Fishing

A lovely blonde decides to go ice fishing. She takes a comfortable chair, her extra large latte and all the equipment she needs out on the ice.
As she starts chopping a hole in the ice, she hears a loud voice from above say,
"There are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde picks up her chair, her latte, and all the ice fishing equipment and moves a little way down the ice. Again, as she begins chopping a hole in the ice, she hears a loud, angry voice voice from above say,
"There are no fish under the ice!"

Perturbed, the blonde picks up her chair,her latte and all her equipment and goes way down to the far end of the ice. As soon as she starts chopping a hole in the ice, the loud voice from above again entones
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Looking up, the blonde asks, "Is that you, God?"
The answer came, "No, this is the manager of Ice Rink

Happy Birthday

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much f or the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.They search the shed where the firewood is kept.Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'